Nivekella
New member
A friend sent me this :lol:
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're
done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole a isle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And
the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of
Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table
was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If y ou're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in
the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first
place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white peoples version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult
and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying" Do you
want fries with that?"
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're
done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole a isle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And
the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of
Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table
was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If y ou're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in
the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first
place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white peoples version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult
and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying" Do you
want fries with that?"
