? Timi once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
? Crop circles are Timi's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
? Timi is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
? The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Timi out. It failed miserably.
? Contrary to popular belief, Timi, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
? Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Timi has 72... and they're all poisonous.
? If you ask Timi what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
? Timi drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
? When Timi sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Timi has not had to pay taxes, ever.
? The quickest way to a man's heart is with Timi's fist.
? Timi invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
? Timi can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
? There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Timi allows to live.
? Timi once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
? What was going through the minds of all of Timi's victims
before they died? His shoe.
? Timi is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
? Police label anyone attacking Timi as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
? Timi doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
? Timi doesn?t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
? A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Timi and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
? Timi will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
? Someone once videotaped Timi getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
? If you spell Timi in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
? Timi originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Timi replied, "That's no glitch."
? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Timi once and he will kill you.
? The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Timi played in second grade.
? Timi once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
? Timi once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Timi re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
? Timi has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
? Someone once tried to tell Timi that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
? Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Timitatorship.
? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Timi once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
? Timi is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Timi.
? Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Timi's warm-up exercises.
? Timi is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
? In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Timi turned that wine into beer.
? Timi can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"
? Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Timi.
? Timi discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Timi is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Timi roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
? Timi doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
? The Timi military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Timi could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
? In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Timi could use to kill you, including the room itself.
